Media Blog vs.Monstrous Movie Manifestations

     After a venture through the channel guide this weekend I am convinced that I could write, direct, and produce a movie that would play on at least one of our 1,331 cable networks. Now I am sure that you are asking why would I think this. Well, let me just answer that with just one phrase SYFY original movies.

I guess my addiction I mean fascination with SYFY original movies started because of the girlfriend. One night we were trolling around the cable guide and I came across the now legendary SYFY classic:

or as the girlfriend likes to call it Monte Python vs. Gatoraid

She was not really paying attention to what I was doing, so of course I had to flip this masterpiece on just to "get her goat".

dramatic reenactment

Sadly, we both sat on the couch mesmerized by the spectacle that was being produced by arguably one of the worst movies ever conceived, and when we saw that the movie starred former teeny boppers Tiffany and Debbie (or Deborah in today's world) Gibson, we were hooked just out of the sheer magnitude of the stupidity. Somewhere along the line, the producers managed to work in the dialogue "I think we're alone now" There doesn't seem to be anyone else around". Not only that, Tiffany and Debbie managed to have a fight where they smeared cake all over each other in the middle of the swamp.

we have since kissed and made up, but that is only available in the unrated version

After this movie, there was much discussion about exactly how stupid can the entertainment industry get. Actually, the girlfriend's quote was "If I hadn't seen this and you told me about it, I would have thought you were lying. There is no way this movie exists".

The sad horrible truth is that it gets worse. There are more far fetched movies out there. And, in another sad trend, it seems that SYFY wants to take two totally different things and jam them together into one horrible premise for a movie. This horrible trend has given us some real winners.

this seems like the perfect movie for an actress like Deborah Gibson. She will make this a blockbuster

What better terror of the sea could you have than a creature that is half shark and half octopus and super sized? Well, SYFY did not wait long to answer that one for us and gave us:

Is that a piranhaconda in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Piranhaconda!!!!!! Freaking really?????? Piranhaconda. See, this is why the SYFY writers are geniuses. After seeing the names Sharktopus and Piranhaconda I bet you are curious as to how these different creatures became one new species, so you watch the movie to find out. Genius I tell you genius. We watch the movie out of sick curiosity to find out how this happened. Did the Anaconda eat the piranha who then inseminated it from the inside???????? Did the octopus rape the shark, etc???????

If these monstrous combinations aren't enough SYFY also gave us:

maybe this explains Snooki's pregnancy

Jersey Shore Shark Attack. SYFY's description of this horror is "Albino Bull Sharks are no match for attitudes, fist pumps, and spray tans". Ok, maybe Sharktopus doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

If you happen to want more mashed up sci-fi action be sure to check out the upcoming event:

Starring this little guy:

I was the stand in for Deborah Gibson in Sharktopus. Can't you tell?

I will let you guess the premise of this horrible horrible idea. But, you have to admit, the SYFY channel is setting itself up for the future will all of these timeless classics. I am sure that as soon as next year we will see:

deaf dumb and blind kids just can't wait

Biking Basics

     I have recently resurrected my enjoyment of motorcycles and motorcycle riding. Now, please bear in mind that I have not been an active motorcycle rider since I was a teenager.  Now that was quite a few years ago (or only minutes depending on your understanding of the space time continuum) and I either forgot or didn't know some very important things about the motorcycle lifestyle.

Point #1 Motorcycle riding requires one very social activity. Waving

Being a motorcycle rider apparently requires waving muscles usually only had by Queens, beauty pageant contestants, and clowns.

everyone wave back at the creepy clown or he will come to your home :)

I have waved to more people in the since I have been riding my motorcycle than I had all of my adult life up until that point. The main recipients of the motorcycle wave are these guys.

That's right, the majority of hand waves generated throughout the world are between motorcyclists. Well they are kind of between motorcyclists I should say, which leads me to point number 2.

Point #2 Motorcyclists are snobs

The type of motorcycle I own is what is known as a "cruiser" bike. 

I only wish I were this cool though

As you can see the "cruiser" bike is what most of us think of as the classic american motorcycle. If you own a "cruiser" you are automatically in the club no matter how clumsy or dopey looking you are on that bike. Now being in the club apparently requires you to wave at every rider on every cruiser bike that you see, and trust me there are a lot of them. I pass roughly 100 on my ride to work each morning.

Now please remember that we are traveling at speeds well beyond what our bodies consider to be sane levels. So, to wave, we have to take one hand off of the handlebars giving us half the control that we should have. And you wonder why we wear helmets..... And, it doesn't end with just waving. If another "cruiser" pulls up beside you in traffic you are obliged to check out each others rides thus detracting even more from our control. On occasion, I have been even been prompted for the most sacred of acts, the fist bump.

Just remember though, these rules only apply if you are riding a "cruiser" and see another "cruiser". This does not apply for any of the other bikers you will see. Especially the "crotch rocket" bikes.

We wish we were as cool as the guy in the "cruiser" picture

"Crotch Rocketeers" and "Cruisers" apparently don't mix well together (for an example read The Outsiders). No matter what the circumstance, when a "crotch rocketeer" comes upon me in traffic they lift their head up and accelerate. It is not just me they do this to, but every "cruiser" that they see, and as I mentioned before there are thousands cruising the streets daily. I would suspect that is why every time you see a "crotch rocketeer" they are traveling at approximately mach 1.5

Then, there are the guys riding the extra large bikes that have more closet space than my house.

yes, I do have 2 weeks worth of clothes with me right now

These are known as "touring bikes" and they take up as much room as most cars on the roadway. While they are nowhere near as obnoxious as the "crotch rocketeers" you still do not wave at "tourismos". When coming upon them in traffic the "tourismo" will look at a "cruiser" and give an almost imperceptible head nod (which means I used to have your life until I came into some money) and continue on at their leisurely speed. No "cruiser" I have yet seen has the intestinal fortitude to wave at a "tourismo" out of fear of some long dead biker gypsie curse.

While there are many other types of bikes on the road, these are the main three of today's world no matter how many biker programs you watch that tell you America is being overrun by "Choppers" which coincidentally brings me to point three.

Point #3 There are a lot of television shows about motorcycles, and you notice them all.

I had planned on writing out a list of them here such as American Chopper, The Devil's Ride, etc... but Lord Google informed me that there were so many more than I thought, so if you are that interested in the other shows you can see a list here for yourself. Sadly this list does not contain either of my two favorite motorcycle programs.

visual clues are the best

The show Sons of Anarchy has been on television for several years but I could have given two craps about it until I started looking for a motorcycle to purchase, then I could not get enough of the show. There has to be some part of my brain that subconsciously interjects me into each of the shows; especially during the waving scenes that mostly make up the program. You will notice that all of "Sons" are riding "cruisers" because they are naturally the coolest. Either that or they don't have enough money yet to upgrade to "touring" bikes at which point they will become either the "Fathers of Conformity" or "We used to be real bikers".

My other favorite motorcycle show is :

you have to do the work of googling this one yourselves

Now I know, most of you reading this have no clue what so ever what Street Hawk is, but I hope by looking at the photo you realized it came from the 80's. Let's just say it is the motorcycle version of Knight Rider with all of the cool taken out of it.

I bet you did not see that coming did you? Who puts The Sons of Anarchy which is one of the most awesome shows on television in the same blog with Street Hawk which only ran 13 episodes from January - May 1985 and had one of the worst t.v. plots ever?  A rebel, that's who......... maybe my "cruiser" bike is starting to change me. Next thing you know, I will be growing a beard, and writing about the biker lifestyle.