After a venture through the channel guide this weekend I am convinced that I could write, direct, and produce a movie that would play on at least one of our 1,331 cable networks. Now I am sure that you are asking why would I think this. Well, let me just answer that with just one phrase SYFY original movies.
I guess my addiction I mean fascination with SYFY original movies started because of the girlfriend. One night we were trolling around the cable guide and I came across the now legendary SYFY classic:
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| or as the girlfriend likes to call it Monte Python vs. Gatoraid |
She was not really paying attention to what I was doing, so of course I had to flip this masterpiece on just to "get her goat".
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| dramatic reenactment |
Sadly, we both sat on the couch mesmerized by the spectacle that was being produced by arguably one of the worst movies ever conceived, and when we saw that the movie starred former teeny boppers Tiffany and Debbie (or Deborah in today's world) Gibson, we were hooked just out of the sheer magnitude of the stupidity. Somewhere along the line, the producers managed to work in the dialogue
"I think we're alone now" There doesn't seem to be anyone else around". Not only that, Tiffany and Debbie managed to have a fight where they smeared cake all over each other in the middle of the swamp.
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| we have since kissed and made up, but that is only available in the unrated version |
After this movie, there was much discussion about exactly how stupid can the entertainment industry get. Actually, the girlfriend's quote was "If I hadn't seen this and you told me about it, I would have thought you were lying. There is no way this movie exists".
The sad horrible truth is that it gets worse. There are more far fetched movies out there. And, in another sad trend, it seems that SYFY wants to take two totally different things and jam them together into one horrible premise for a movie. This horrible trend has given us some real winners.
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| this seems like the perfect movie for an actress like Deborah Gibson. She will make this a blockbuster |
What better terror of the sea could you have than a creature that is half shark and half octopus and super sized? Well, SYFY did not wait long to answer that one for us and gave us:
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| Is that a piranhaconda in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? |
Piranhaconda!!!!!! Freaking really?????? Piranhaconda. See, this is why the SYFY writers are geniuses. After seeing the names Sharktopus and Piranhaconda I bet you are curious as to how these different creatures became one new species, so you watch the movie to find out. Genius I tell you genius. We watch the movie out of sick curiosity to find out how this happened. Did the Anaconda eat the piranha who then inseminated it from the inside???????? Did the octopus rape the shark, etc???????
If these monstrous combinations aren't enough SYFY also gave us:
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| maybe this explains Snooki's pregnancy |
Jersey Shore Shark Attack. SYFY's description of this horror is "Albino Bull Sharks are no match for attitudes, fist pumps, and spray tans". Ok, maybe Sharktopus doesn't sound like such a bad idea.
If you happen to want more mashed up sci-fi action be sure to check out the upcoming event:
Starring this little guy:
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| I was the stand in for Deborah Gibson in Sharktopus. Can't you tell? |
I will let you guess the premise of this horrible horrible idea. But, you have to admit, the SYFY channel is setting itself up for the future will all of these timeless classics. I am sure that as soon as next year we will see:
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| deaf dumb and blind kids just can't wait |
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