My 400 closest friends (a little Facebook update)

     Well Hello loyal listeners. I bet by now you had thought I had totally forgotten about this blogging thing. Well, I haven't truth is I have wanted to take time and come to this tranquil oasis to unload my mind of the crushing weight of my thoughts. The problem has come to be that well, I just didn't know what to say.It makes me relate to that old term "pimpn' ain't easy". Well, neither is blogging.
     I mean I could get in here and start rambling on about all the different things that are going on in my life, be they good bad or indifferent. But, if you wanted to know that, you would just check out on facebook to see how I am doing. Of course, it isn't like I am going to go into great detail regarding my life with 400 of my closest friends. Matter of fact, my facebook status today was "You may not be expecting this, but there has never been a left handed pope. I bet their pitching lineup is rather weak.....". Rivetting revelation there isn't it?
     Since I am in-advertently on the topic of facebook, let's see some of the other earth shattering news I can garner from my 400 friends that find me socially acceptable enough to be publicly acknowledge my existence.
One friend has a status saying "now open on Sundays" with a picture of a quaint church. I feel absolutely assured that this is supposed to be some from of tongue-in-cheek humor, because this friend is not one of those religious preachy facebook friends.
     One female friend is looking for a SNAP BACK Houston Astros baseball cap for her son. She was even considerate enough to put a photo of said hat along with her request. One of my friends has 5 new friends, and 13 of my friends have recently changed their profile pictures.
     That is probably enough direct quoting off of my facebook page because I do not want to upset anyone that may stumble upon this (that I know). Facebook really is a good thing. I mean for well over a year, it gave me the opportunity to post song lyrics to express my mood to a bunch of people that could care less is I were in a Good :) mood, a drowning myself in a vat of acid mood :(, or an I have just given all of my worldly possessions to Commander Ziff and will now live in his commune in North Dakota kind of mood. But, while these faceless masses did not care about those things, they did seem to take some pleasure in trying to figure out some of the song choices that I was offering up. Plus, it was very entertaining to see the different ads that facebook would then place on my page (customized just for me of course). Also, I don't think I could ever work the word anthropomorphic into a sentence on my own. And just in case you are wondering, what song contains the word anthropomorphic, I present it here for your pleasure Anthropomorphic humor in song form.
     Well, I seemed to have written a good bit of fluff here about basically nothing, and I have absolutely no idea how to end this masterful work. So, I think I will just fade out, and go play Farmville or some such nonsensical game. Oh and by the way, I don't have farmville, mafia wars, asshole ascension, or any of those other games that facebookers want to keep sending me updates on, but I am sure that topic has been blogged to death already........

Hope you have a groovy day

Fecal Funundrum or humorously confused by s***

Every one of us experiences things on a daily basis that just just make us shake our heads, wonder why, or in many cases leave us pondering them for days. Sometimes though, a bunch of those weird moments seem to collaborate for a full on attack on common sense. So, i decided I am just going to put down a few of those things that are getting me today.

Soap. My workplace like most other workplaces around the world has a men's restroom. Being a male, I naturally use the men's restroom. Well, for the last three days, the little wall mounted soap dispenser thingy has been empty. This in itself is not unusual, people pee/poo, they wash their hands, they use soap. It is a pretty natural cycle. Plus, cleanliness is next to godliness. The unusual part of this is the fact that there is a full replacement soap cartridge sitting on the sink under the dispenser. The first day it was there, I figured that someone had set it there for the cleaning crew to replace that night. The second day it was there day it was there, I thought maybe the cleaning crew doesn't clean the bathrooms every night, which is a rather disturbing thought, but not unheard of. So today marks day three of that soap container sitting there full, mocking those of us that practice good or at least decent hygiene. Don't these cleaning people know that hand washing is the number one preventative of germ spreading? I mean, a serious case of Monkeypox could be right around the corner.

And just in case you were wondering, I keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my office.

Soda. At the moment, this seems like one of the most unbelievable things EVER to me. First off, let me set the stage. Last night I was the judge of a local country music contest (which I will be judging for the next seven weeks), which was held at a local watering hole, and sponsored by a radio station. Well, just before the singing begins, I am thirsty so I go to the bar to get a soda. The Diet Coke with no ice cost me two dollars. And, it was in the small bar glass, not the large one. First off, I have never been in a bar that charged you for soda. Secondly, I am giving you my time and experience to help judge this contest, why should I have to pay to do that? Especially when every other bar I have ever been to gives away soda for doing nothing other than being relatively responsible. And last but not least, there were at least three beer specials last night that were cheaper than two dollars. At no time, should alcohol be cheaper than soda. Especially when you are getting twice the amount for half of the price.

And speaking of this country music contest.

Songs. Our contestants were asked to sing two songs; the first for practice and the second to be judged. This is a basic concept in my opinion, but as I so often discover, not everyone shares my opinion. Three of our five contestants chose to perform songs during the judging phase that they knew they were not as comfortable with as the ones they sang in the practice session. It just seems to me that if I know i can do better with A than B, I would much rather be judged on A.
Just think six more weeks.

The Petite Lap Giraffe

     It all started innocently enough I suppose. A commercial featuring a "nutty" Russian (because we know those behind the iron curtain are just so "nutty") and his little bitty, tiny, cute, adorable, micro-sized Giraffe. Now the commercial was alright, but this giraffe caught everyones attention. Why? IT ISN'T REAL. If miniature giraffe's existed, don't you think some freak celebrity would have one by now. It would be like the new Chihuahua craze.
     Imagine my surprise when I stumble into a conversation with a friend about the Sokoblovsky Farms. They supposedly raise Petite Lap Giraffes, and that is where the cute little thing in the commercial came from. At this point, I am rather amused and then I am directed to their website. www.petitelapgiraffe.com. If you have not clicked this link yet, I will warn you that hilarity and cuteness will ensue by clicking.
     Yep, right there on their front page is the webcam to the bull giraffe Vladimir. If not see him, don't worry he come back.    As if this isn't enough, there are some rather cute pictures on the photos page. Now, if your cuteness threshold has not been surpassed, you can click to the calves page where you can see photos of Vladimir (the bull) and Svetlana (the cow). Come on, who gives their pet petite lap giraffes Russian Porn Star Names? That is not the only draw to this page though is it. Oh no! There is that button isn't there? It's just screaming to you "click me, click me, you know want giraffe, just click me". So, being the schmuck that I am I clicked the button to discover that Prince is the next person in life to receive a petite lap giraffe, and that I am number 282, 121. No worries here though because the next calf will be born in 156 days. Then the next person on the list only has to wait the 420 day gestation period for another calf (assuming that Svetlana gets pregnant 10 minutes) after giving birth. At that rate, it will only be 118,490,820 days until I my own petite lap giraffe can be born. That is 324,632 years from now. I can't wait.
     If the insanity of clicking that button wasn't enough, I took it to the next level and called the 1-800 number listed. I was hoping that I could get around that waiting period. Sadly, all I got was an answering machine directing me to the website. The recording was good for a chuckle though. It is not quite as funny as everything you can learn about the petite lap giraffes on the about page though.
      I can just hear the meeting of unbelievable creatures that is taking place right now.
Alien - "This meeting will come to order. Bigfoot read last weeks minutes"
Bigfoot - "ate minutes. sorry"
Santa - "any new business this week"
Diet Dr. Pepper Guy - " I vote we take a break and have a diet dr. pepper"
All unbelievable creatures (laughing) - "you don't exist, we're having whiskey"
Easter Bunny - "I would like to introduce a new creature to our meeting. The Petite Lap Giraffe"
All unbelievable creatures (laughing) - "no, really. you have to be kidding. Right?"
yada yada yada

BTW, my favorite thing about the petite lap giraffe is that it eats bonsai tree leaves, and bathes in bubble bath. Wow, a sentence that in my entire life I never imagined forming......

     

The Tell Tale Heart

     What does it mean when my girlfriend of a year and a half tells me to take my heart home? Does that mean that we have now fallen into the "it's complicated" relationship on facebook. Nah, it just means that she is tired of it sitting on her counter. Wait, WHAT? you ask. You read that right. My girlfriend is tired of my heart sitting on her counter. In November while prowling around the after Halloween clearance, I came upon a large marshmallow heart.

     When you come across a large marshmallow heart, how can you just not purchase it? Especially when it is on clearance? So, now being the proud owner of a large marshmallow heart, I have to decide what to do with it. Well, what could be more perfect than to give it to the girl I love? So, the next night I go to her house, and present her with "my heart" both literally, and figuratively. She gushed, she swooned, she adored having my heart handed to her. 

     That was just after Halloween. Now that we have gone through multiple months, a few minor holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc..), and a few major holidays (Groundhog Day, St, Patrick's Day, Chinese New Year, etc...) and about five months, she wants my heart out of her kitchen. 

     I am just not sure what that could mean? 

Day 1

     I woke up yesterday morning, and decided I wanted to start a blog. I mean why not? I have little to no experience with blogs, have typically believed they were a waste of time, and really never saw the point.
     Am I off to a good start? Just wait, it gets better. With my new industrious desire to start a blog, and absolutely no idea how to do so, I turn to my old faithful friend Google to quote Styx "show me the way". I actually googled how to start a blog. Oddly enough, I felt pretty silly doing that, and feel even sillier after typing it here. But, isn't that what this is all about?
     This is an escape. A place where I (and hopefully thousands of followers) can relive some of the stupid, silly, outrageous, weird, or w.t.f. moments of my days. I do not know if it is coincidence, karma, or happenstance that I decide to start my blog for an escape on the birthday of the most famous escape artist in history, but I because I did, I dedicate this site to the late, great, Harry Houdini who said "My brain is the key that set me free"
     By the way, if you have happened to stumble upon this, please know that "here there be monsters". Oh sorry, I mean this is me telling about things I find funny, interesting, sad, etc..... the spelling and grammar will be far from perfect, the ideas will be stream of thought, and this will be far from perfect. But, (isn't there always a but) the occasional person will find the weird ass things that I see quite entertaining.