Media Blog vs.Monstrous Movie Manifestations

     After a venture through the channel guide this weekend I am convinced that I could write, direct, and produce a movie that would play on at least one of our 1,331 cable networks. Now I am sure that you are asking why would I think this. Well, let me just answer that with just one phrase SYFY original movies.

I guess my addiction I mean fascination with SYFY original movies started because of the girlfriend. One night we were trolling around the cable guide and I came across the now legendary SYFY classic:

or as the girlfriend likes to call it Monte Python vs. Gatoraid

She was not really paying attention to what I was doing, so of course I had to flip this masterpiece on just to "get her goat".

dramatic reenactment

Sadly, we both sat on the couch mesmerized by the spectacle that was being produced by arguably one of the worst movies ever conceived, and when we saw that the movie starred former teeny boppers Tiffany and Debbie (or Deborah in today's world) Gibson, we were hooked just out of the sheer magnitude of the stupidity. Somewhere along the line, the producers managed to work in the dialogue "I think we're alone now" There doesn't seem to be anyone else around". Not only that, Tiffany and Debbie managed to have a fight where they smeared cake all over each other in the middle of the swamp.

we have since kissed and made up, but that is only available in the unrated version

After this movie, there was much discussion about exactly how stupid can the entertainment industry get. Actually, the girlfriend's quote was "If I hadn't seen this and you told me about it, I would have thought you were lying. There is no way this movie exists".

The sad horrible truth is that it gets worse. There are more far fetched movies out there. And, in another sad trend, it seems that SYFY wants to take two totally different things and jam them together into one horrible premise for a movie. This horrible trend has given us some real winners.

this seems like the perfect movie for an actress like Deborah Gibson. She will make this a blockbuster

What better terror of the sea could you have than a creature that is half shark and half octopus and super sized? Well, SYFY did not wait long to answer that one for us and gave us:

Is that a piranhaconda in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Piranhaconda!!!!!! Freaking really?????? Piranhaconda. See, this is why the SYFY writers are geniuses. After seeing the names Sharktopus and Piranhaconda I bet you are curious as to how these different creatures became one new species, so you watch the movie to find out. Genius I tell you genius. We watch the movie out of sick curiosity to find out how this happened. Did the Anaconda eat the piranha who then inseminated it from the inside???????? Did the octopus rape the shark, etc???????

If these monstrous combinations aren't enough SYFY also gave us:

maybe this explains Snooki's pregnancy

Jersey Shore Shark Attack. SYFY's description of this horror is "Albino Bull Sharks are no match for attitudes, fist pumps, and spray tans". Ok, maybe Sharktopus doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

If you happen to want more mashed up sci-fi action be sure to check out the upcoming event:

Starring this little guy:

I was the stand in for Deborah Gibson in Sharktopus. Can't you tell?

I will let you guess the premise of this horrible horrible idea. But, you have to admit, the SYFY channel is setting itself up for the future will all of these timeless classics. I am sure that as soon as next year we will see:

deaf dumb and blind kids just can't wait

Biking Basics

     I have recently resurrected my enjoyment of motorcycles and motorcycle riding. Now, please bear in mind that I have not been an active motorcycle rider since I was a teenager.  Now that was quite a few years ago (or only minutes depending on your understanding of the space time continuum) and I either forgot or didn't know some very important things about the motorcycle lifestyle.

Point #1 Motorcycle riding requires one very social activity. Waving

Being a motorcycle rider apparently requires waving muscles usually only had by Queens, beauty pageant contestants, and clowns.

everyone wave back at the creepy clown or he will come to your home :)

I have waved to more people in the since I have been riding my motorcycle than I had all of my adult life up until that point. The main recipients of the motorcycle wave are these guys.

That's right, the majority of hand waves generated throughout the world are between motorcyclists. Well they are kind of between motorcyclists I should say, which leads me to point number 2.

Point #2 Motorcyclists are snobs

The type of motorcycle I own is what is known as a "cruiser" bike. 

I only wish I were this cool though

As you can see the "cruiser" bike is what most of us think of as the classic american motorcycle. If you own a "cruiser" you are automatically in the club no matter how clumsy or dopey looking you are on that bike. Now being in the club apparently requires you to wave at every rider on every cruiser bike that you see, and trust me there are a lot of them. I pass roughly 100 on my ride to work each morning.

Now please remember that we are traveling at speeds well beyond what our bodies consider to be sane levels. So, to wave, we have to take one hand off of the handlebars giving us half the control that we should have. And you wonder why we wear helmets..... And, it doesn't end with just waving. If another "cruiser" pulls up beside you in traffic you are obliged to check out each others rides thus detracting even more from our control. On occasion, I have been even been prompted for the most sacred of acts, the fist bump.

Just remember though, these rules only apply if you are riding a "cruiser" and see another "cruiser". This does not apply for any of the other bikers you will see. Especially the "crotch rocket" bikes.

We wish we were as cool as the guy in the "cruiser" picture

"Crotch Rocketeers" and "Cruisers" apparently don't mix well together (for an example read The Outsiders). No matter what the circumstance, when a "crotch rocketeer" comes upon me in traffic they lift their head up and accelerate. It is not just me they do this to, but every "cruiser" that they see, and as I mentioned before there are thousands cruising the streets daily. I would suspect that is why every time you see a "crotch rocketeer" they are traveling at approximately mach 1.5

Then, there are the guys riding the extra large bikes that have more closet space than my house.

yes, I do have 2 weeks worth of clothes with me right now

These are known as "touring bikes" and they take up as much room as most cars on the roadway. While they are nowhere near as obnoxious as the "crotch rocketeers" you still do not wave at "tourismos". When coming upon them in traffic the "tourismo" will look at a "cruiser" and give an almost imperceptible head nod (which means I used to have your life until I came into some money) and continue on at their leisurely speed. No "cruiser" I have yet seen has the intestinal fortitude to wave at a "tourismo" out of fear of some long dead biker gypsie curse.

While there are many other types of bikes on the road, these are the main three of today's world no matter how many biker programs you watch that tell you America is being overrun by "Choppers" which coincidentally brings me to point three.

Point #3 There are a lot of television shows about motorcycles, and you notice them all.

I had planned on writing out a list of them here such as American Chopper, The Devil's Ride, etc... but Lord Google informed me that there were so many more than I thought, so if you are that interested in the other shows you can see a list here for yourself. Sadly this list does not contain either of my two favorite motorcycle programs.

visual clues are the best

The show Sons of Anarchy has been on television for several years but I could have given two craps about it until I started looking for a motorcycle to purchase, then I could not get enough of the show. There has to be some part of my brain that subconsciously interjects me into each of the shows; especially during the waving scenes that mostly make up the program. You will notice that all of "Sons" are riding "cruisers" because they are naturally the coolest. Either that or they don't have enough money yet to upgrade to "touring" bikes at which point they will become either the "Fathers of Conformity" or "We used to be real bikers".

My other favorite motorcycle show is :

you have to do the work of googling this one yourselves

Now I know, most of you reading this have no clue what so ever what Street Hawk is, but I hope by looking at the photo you realized it came from the 80's. Let's just say it is the motorcycle version of Knight Rider with all of the cool taken out of it.

I bet you did not see that coming did you? Who puts The Sons of Anarchy which is one of the most awesome shows on television in the same blog with Street Hawk which only ran 13 episodes from January - May 1985 and had one of the worst t.v. plots ever?  A rebel, that's who......... maybe my "cruiser" bike is starting to change me. Next thing you know, I will be growing a beard, and writing about the biker lifestyle.

How very Pinteresting

     First it was Facebook. I am sure that the adoring masses have read my not so recent blog about what my 400 closest friends are doing. If you took the time to read that you probably came away with the impression that I did not really care what they were doing. I think that my care has degraded even further now.

     Besides that, I have discovered something worse than Facebook. When I say discovered, I mean shown to me without any curiosity on my part, and probably against my will. This new horror is the social networking site Pinterest.

     Just examining the name PIN - to attach, hold, or fasten with or as if with a pin or pins (by the way there are 25 definitions of the word pin) and INTEREST - the sense of curiosity about or concern with something or someone. Put definitions together and you get To Attach Something Of Curiosity. Amazingly enough, this is just how Pinterest describes itself. Pinterest is an online pin board. If that is not enough of a description, let's see what trusty ole Wikipedia has to say on the matter.

     My girlfriend started pinteresting a couple of months ago. "Pinteresting" is that even a word? How about pinning? Spellcheck says that is a word yes. Anyhow, back to the point, she started using this site a couple of months back and on the first day seemed to hate it. Now, she seems mesmerized by it, almost in a cultish manner. Just last night we were sitting on the couch and she was showing me all of her pins, and other peoples pins and how the pins were going to rule the world (well, I think that is where the conversation was going but I didn't really get that far in it). 

     Of all of the pins that she had, none where what you would call in my level of interest, so she decided to do some snooping I mean browsing other user pins. And of course the first thing that she looks for in my interest level is Zombies. That's right freaking zombies. The oddest part about this is that while yes, I do like the occasional zombie, and one of my best friend dresses as a zombie, they are not that significant to me.

     Please comment below if you happen to know any of these zombies. Thanks

     Believe it or not, there was quiet the decent amount of pinteresting stuff on zombies. Well, actually there were only a few things but there were a lot of re-posts on them. Finding said zombies continued the conversation between the girlfriend and I about pinterest, and I jokingly decide that I am going to make the ultimate Pinterest page. The girlfriend at this point is shaking her head because as anyone that knows me understands I am the "go big or go home" guy. For example this is the camping chair I use.

Stock photo so no, i don't know who this woman is. Stop asking

     With my new found Pinterest locked inside the cranium, I sit down this morning to create the world's greatest pinterest page, or at least the most obscure one only to be confronted with the fact that I can't just create a pinterest page. Oh nooooooo, I have to ask to be invited (I mean really, I have to be invited to your stupid little party? Do I even really want to go? Is this high school again?). Even with this small challenge I decide to knuckle down on my pride and ask for an invitation. Well, they have to email me, and this is what I get.

Hi!
Thanks for requesting an invite. We'll be sure to send one soon.
In the meantime, feel free to explore a few pins.
We're excited to get you pinning soon!
—Ben and the Pinterest Team

     Who the heck is Ben, and why is he deny me my destiny of creating the ultimate pinterest page? Isn't pinterest a cutting edge social media site where everyone shares way too much information about themselves? I do not know for sure, because I cannot use the site but I have heard it is very similar to Twitter and Facebook and the other social media sites. So, why can I not just sign up and start pouring my guts out to millions of people that I do not know through the use of digital image pins? Then it hits me.

Ben probably isn't even his real name. I bet it is Mr. Smith

     Ben is a secret agent and the "Pinterest Team" is a secret government agency that is working on ways to better spy on our citizenry. And, what better way to do it than with a cute looking website that everyone posts their favorite things on without a care in the world who is watching or in this case, tracking their every move. 

     That thought really explains a lot about why the black helicopter that flies over my house every week seems to coincide with the girlfriend's computer usage.

    

      

Things Around My Office

Hello to my masses!!!!!
     I apologize that I have not written to you in quite a while. See, there was this one time at Band Camp.... No, not really (even though I did go to band camp as a child), I just apparently forgot how to connect thoughts in my head to the fingers on the keys. But, as you can see I am back now (without a vengeance though) for at least one more article.
     So after almost a one year absence, I must have seem AWESOME tales to tell right? If only the reality were that exciting. But, I do have a lovely yarn to spin as I tell you about some of the things in my office.
     First off, how did you start your work day? Check emails, get coffee, shoot someone, etc. etc. etc. Not me, no sir! I started my work day by reconstructing a great battle. It was not a re-enactment, of Gettysburg, or the Battle of The Bulge. Now I am sure you are thinking that it must be the infamous charge up San Juan Hill featuring everyone's favorite president Teddy Roosevelt. Once again, it not. I could not figure out how to get the horses into the office without anyone noticing. No, this battle never actually took place to begin with. No, it was not the Battle for Hoth, the Battle of Endor, or any from the Star Wars Universe (because technically those really could have happened). This was an epic battle of legends, and i am fortunate enough for them to reside in my  office already. I am speaking of the wrestling match between Rowdy Roddy Piper and The Ultimate Warrior.
      Both of these being childhood idols I was unsure which way my loyalties would swing, so I did my best to remain neutral.It was a hard fought match that swung many times. At one point Piper hit Warrior with his bagpipes and thought the match was over but, much like Roddy the bagpipes are mostly hot air and Warrior was faking and was able to pin Piper and get the belt back.

 
 These guys are two of my most favorite things that I have amassed in my office which is odd because I am not that big of a wrestling fan (I was as a kid though) .The wrestling thing started several months ago when TNA Impact Wrestling came to town, and I had to do some stuff with it and me and one of the guys in the office started talking in wrestler speak all that weak things kept going downhill with us and in the end we ended up meeting some of the old school wrestlers (that I loved as a kid) and going to event which was a live television taping. Then the next week I got to it on television and saw me and another friend several times as the camera passed by us. This led me to telling people that me and my tag team partner were featured on TV on a professional wrestling show. The week was a lot of fun, even though I am sure everyone around me found it obnoxious. Well, during that week of "playing wrestler" I put all kind of stuff on my Amazon wish list, wrestling tights, boots, and The Ultimate Warrior action figure you see above (for those of you that did not click the above link he is the one that does not look like a PIPER). I of course took all that stuff off because I was really just playing but apparently forgot to take him off because he arrived a little bundle of joy Xmas present.
     Now, Roddy Piper's (yes, he is the one that looks like a piper) story is similar but he never made it to any list. I actually ended up with two Roddy's. My friends at work knowing that I like Scottish things (being of Scottish ancestry may give it away) and knowing how I apparently like wrestling came across him and got him for me for my birthday. At the same time, my 8 year old son who knows I like Scottish things and thinking that I apparently like wrestling also got me one for my birthday. Pretty obscure gift to receive two of the same thing which is not something I told anyone I liked. But, I have to admit that he is rather cool. He comes complete with kilt and bagpipe and you can push a button on his stand, and it plays Scotland the Brave. TOTAL AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!
     So now these two guys can have a daily match atop my Mac Tower. Life is good.
     But, I forgot they are not the oldest wrestling things I have in my office. I totally forgot about Sgt. Slaughter. How could I do that? Wow, I am a schmuck. Now as a kid I liked wrestling, but what I loved the most - three words G. I. Joe. For those of you who did not click the link, Sgt. Slaughter was a wrestler that became the first real life character in G. I. Joe. As I grew up I forgot about most of that kind of stuff and several years ago I had the chance to interview Sgt. Slaughter, and all of those wonderful childhood memories came flooding back. During the interview he put me in the "Cobra Clutch" (his famous wrestling move), and I was so excited that I almost peed myself. That night I got to take my two boys back and they got to meet Sgt. Slaughter and we all got autographed pictures. Mine is on one of my bulletin boards ( i feel is gaze behind me staring into my soul) on the other side of my office.

                                            It makes me think of the Pope-Mobile but only filled with 3 tons of awesome

I did not even notice until I took this picture that he has a championship belt  in there with him. Having the title belt is very important you know.
   
     Well, that should be enough testosterone for you today kiddies. I do not want to overload any man sensors or cause any swooning in women from all of the stupefying wrestling action that takes place in my office on a daily basis. Plus, from where I sit, I think I spy with my little eye "Hot Rod" Rowdy Roddy Piper sneaking up behind The Ultimate Warrior carrying a paper clip. A "no rules match' may be just around the corner.
     Thanks for stopping by, and remember to check the security level as you leave my office for the day.

t-minus 351

My 400 closest friends (a little Facebook update)

     Well Hello loyal listeners. I bet by now you had thought I had totally forgotten about this blogging thing. Well, I haven't truth is I have wanted to take time and come to this tranquil oasis to unload my mind of the crushing weight of my thoughts. The problem has come to be that well, I just didn't know what to say.It makes me relate to that old term "pimpn' ain't easy". Well, neither is blogging.
     I mean I could get in here and start rambling on about all the different things that are going on in my life, be they good bad or indifferent. But, if you wanted to know that, you would just check out on facebook to see how I am doing. Of course, it isn't like I am going to go into great detail regarding my life with 400 of my closest friends. Matter of fact, my facebook status today was "You may not be expecting this, but there has never been a left handed pope. I bet their pitching lineup is rather weak.....". Rivetting revelation there isn't it?
     Since I am in-advertently on the topic of facebook, let's see some of the other earth shattering news I can garner from my 400 friends that find me socially acceptable enough to be publicly acknowledge my existence.
One friend has a status saying "now open on Sundays" with a picture of a quaint church. I feel absolutely assured that this is supposed to be some from of tongue-in-cheek humor, because this friend is not one of those religious preachy facebook friends.
     One female friend is looking for a SNAP BACK Houston Astros baseball cap for her son. She was even considerate enough to put a photo of said hat along with her request. One of my friends has 5 new friends, and 13 of my friends have recently changed their profile pictures.
     That is probably enough direct quoting off of my facebook page because I do not want to upset anyone that may stumble upon this (that I know). Facebook really is a good thing. I mean for well over a year, it gave me the opportunity to post song lyrics to express my mood to a bunch of people that could care less is I were in a Good :) mood, a drowning myself in a vat of acid mood :(, or an I have just given all of my worldly possessions to Commander Ziff and will now live in his commune in North Dakota kind of mood. But, while these faceless masses did not care about those things, they did seem to take some pleasure in trying to figure out some of the song choices that I was offering up. Plus, it was very entertaining to see the different ads that facebook would then place on my page (customized just for me of course). Also, I don't think I could ever work the word anthropomorphic into a sentence on my own. And just in case you are wondering, what song contains the word anthropomorphic, I present it here for your pleasure Anthropomorphic humor in song form.
     Well, I seemed to have written a good bit of fluff here about basically nothing, and I have absolutely no idea how to end this masterful work. So, I think I will just fade out, and go play Farmville or some such nonsensical game. Oh and by the way, I don't have farmville, mafia wars, asshole ascension, or any of those other games that facebookers want to keep sending me updates on, but I am sure that topic has been blogged to death already........

Hope you have a groovy day

Fecal Funundrum or humorously confused by s***

Every one of us experiences things on a daily basis that just just make us shake our heads, wonder why, or in many cases leave us pondering them for days. Sometimes though, a bunch of those weird moments seem to collaborate for a full on attack on common sense. So, i decided I am just going to put down a few of those things that are getting me today.

Soap. My workplace like most other workplaces around the world has a men's restroom. Being a male, I naturally use the men's restroom. Well, for the last three days, the little wall mounted soap dispenser thingy has been empty. This in itself is not unusual, people pee/poo, they wash their hands, they use soap. It is a pretty natural cycle. Plus, cleanliness is next to godliness. The unusual part of this is the fact that there is a full replacement soap cartridge sitting on the sink under the dispenser. The first day it was there, I figured that someone had set it there for the cleaning crew to replace that night. The second day it was there day it was there, I thought maybe the cleaning crew doesn't clean the bathrooms every night, which is a rather disturbing thought, but not unheard of. So today marks day three of that soap container sitting there full, mocking those of us that practice good or at least decent hygiene. Don't these cleaning people know that hand washing is the number one preventative of germ spreading? I mean, a serious case of Monkeypox could be right around the corner.

And just in case you were wondering, I keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my office.

Soda. At the moment, this seems like one of the most unbelievable things EVER to me. First off, let me set the stage. Last night I was the judge of a local country music contest (which I will be judging for the next seven weeks), which was held at a local watering hole, and sponsored by a radio station. Well, just before the singing begins, I am thirsty so I go to the bar to get a soda. The Diet Coke with no ice cost me two dollars. And, it was in the small bar glass, not the large one. First off, I have never been in a bar that charged you for soda. Secondly, I am giving you my time and experience to help judge this contest, why should I have to pay to do that? Especially when every other bar I have ever been to gives away soda for doing nothing other than being relatively responsible. And last but not least, there were at least three beer specials last night that were cheaper than two dollars. At no time, should alcohol be cheaper than soda. Especially when you are getting twice the amount for half of the price.

And speaking of this country music contest.

Songs. Our contestants were asked to sing two songs; the first for practice and the second to be judged. This is a basic concept in my opinion, but as I so often discover, not everyone shares my opinion. Three of our five contestants chose to perform songs during the judging phase that they knew they were not as comfortable with as the ones they sang in the practice session. It just seems to me that if I know i can do better with A than B, I would much rather be judged on A.
Just think six more weeks.

The Petite Lap Giraffe

     It all started innocently enough I suppose. A commercial featuring a "nutty" Russian (because we know those behind the iron curtain are just so "nutty") and his little bitty, tiny, cute, adorable, micro-sized Giraffe. Now the commercial was alright, but this giraffe caught everyones attention. Why? IT ISN'T REAL. If miniature giraffe's existed, don't you think some freak celebrity would have one by now. It would be like the new Chihuahua craze.
     Imagine my surprise when I stumble into a conversation with a friend about the Sokoblovsky Farms. They supposedly raise Petite Lap Giraffes, and that is where the cute little thing in the commercial came from. At this point, I am rather amused and then I am directed to their website. www.petitelapgiraffe.com. If you have not clicked this link yet, I will warn you that hilarity and cuteness will ensue by clicking.
     Yep, right there on their front page is the webcam to the bull giraffe Vladimir. If not see him, don't worry he come back.    As if this isn't enough, there are some rather cute pictures on the photos page. Now, if your cuteness threshold has not been surpassed, you can click to the calves page where you can see photos of Vladimir (the bull) and Svetlana (the cow). Come on, who gives their pet petite lap giraffes Russian Porn Star Names? That is not the only draw to this page though is it. Oh no! There is that button isn't there? It's just screaming to you "click me, click me, you know want giraffe, just click me". So, being the schmuck that I am I clicked the button to discover that Prince is the next person in life to receive a petite lap giraffe, and that I am number 282, 121. No worries here though because the next calf will be born in 156 days. Then the next person on the list only has to wait the 420 day gestation period for another calf (assuming that Svetlana gets pregnant 10 minutes) after giving birth. At that rate, it will only be 118,490,820 days until I my own petite lap giraffe can be born. That is 324,632 years from now. I can't wait.
     If the insanity of clicking that button wasn't enough, I took it to the next level and called the 1-800 number listed. I was hoping that I could get around that waiting period. Sadly, all I got was an answering machine directing me to the website. The recording was good for a chuckle though. It is not quite as funny as everything you can learn about the petite lap giraffes on the about page though.
      I can just hear the meeting of unbelievable creatures that is taking place right now.
Alien - "This meeting will come to order. Bigfoot read last weeks minutes"
Bigfoot - "ate minutes. sorry"
Santa - "any new business this week"
Diet Dr. Pepper Guy - " I vote we take a break and have a diet dr. pepper"
All unbelievable creatures (laughing) - "you don't exist, we're having whiskey"
Easter Bunny - "I would like to introduce a new creature to our meeting. The Petite Lap Giraffe"
All unbelievable creatures (laughing) - "no, really. you have to be kidding. Right?"
yada yada yada

BTW, my favorite thing about the petite lap giraffe is that it eats bonsai tree leaves, and bathes in bubble bath. Wow, a sentence that in my entire life I never imagined forming......